BEWARE OF SPOILERS!
This scene is from the climax of The Hidden Gift, so if you have not read it, then DO NOT PROCEED!
For those of you who have finished it, please enjoy diving into Nicolai’s perspective.
Nicolai
I had told Annabelle and her sisters that I would buy socks from them when I was in need, so it wasn’t strange for me to show up for that purpose, was it? Yes, it was the first of December, and I knew perfectly well that Annabelle would be at home, this being her day off, but that was hardly strange. She’s the one I knew best, so it made sense I would want to stop by when I could see her. Especially after that kiss.
Saints and angels, that kiss. I hadn’t exaggerated when I’d told her I’d never experienced anything like it. The way she’d asked me to tutor her in the ways of first kisses…the way she had responded to each word and touch. The way my own heart had nearly beat out of my chest when she laid her small hand over my heart. It was like she had tangled herself inside me and I had no desire to pry her loose. I wanted more of her, not less.
This past month had been agony. I’d wanted to see her every day, but I had only seen her on that awful day when Brunson accosted her, and then at the Winter Festival where I had to work to keep my feelings hidden from my brother.
But I would see her today, and my stomach leapt in anticipation at the thought. Would she have time to go for a walk with me? Would she want further tutelage? Perhaps in the art of second kisses?
Was I a cad for hoping she would? Was I a fool for falling for her the way I was?
I shoved my questions aside and rapped on the cottage door.
Charlotte was the one who opened it. Her eyes went a bit wide, but before I was able to say anything, she turned her head and called out to her sister. “Annabelle! Mr. Closs is here to see you.”
My eyes found her, sitting by the fire. She smiled at me, but it looked wrong—off somehow.
“Nicolai.” She got slowly to her feet, her knitting falling to the ground. She didn’t seem to notice and crossed closer to me but stopped at a distance that felt too much. It was a small cottage, so it would have felt more natural for her to come all the way to the doorway. Instead she remained by the table. “What are you doing here?”
“I…” I still stood in the doorway, having not been invited in. “I am in need of socks.” I wanted to smack my head against a wall. Why did my words sound so idiotic? They should have sounded boring and mundane; instead, they came out as a question, like I was some dolt who had come all this way without knowing if I actually needed socks or not.
“Yes. Come in.” She waved me inside.
I stepped in, closed the door behind me, removed my flat cap, and followed her over to the fireplace where a variety of socks hung.
“These are the different colors, sizes and styles that we have. If you can tell me what you’d like.”
I did as she asked, not paying all that much attention to the color or style, since I was too distracted by her obvious distraction. Annabelle was normally lively and engaged. She was not so now.
After I told her what I’d like, she bent to pick up a basket filled with socks, then set it on the table. She dug until she found a particular bundle and began untying the twine. “How many would you like?”
“Three pairs would do well for me,” I said, knowing it was more than I needed but unable to resist the chance to help.
The wage I received as an estate steward was intended to support a man and his family. The fact that I was young and unmarried did not change the wage I was given, thus my coffers were fairly brimming. I had plenty and to spare, and if I could use that spare to assist Annabelle and her sisters, I would.
Annabelle told me the price. I handed her the coins and watched her mechanically put them away.
At that point, I probably should have left. Our business was concluded and these sisters clearly had things to do, but there was a gnawing suspicion in my gut that wouldn’t allow me to leave.
“Annabelle?”
She looked up, almost seeming surprised to find me still there.
“Might I speak with you outside?”
Her eyes darted to her sisters, then to the door that led to a different room in the house, and then back to me. “I suppose.”
She supposed? She had never hesitated to speak with me before. I’d kissed this girl, quite spectacularly, and now she hesitated to have a conversation with me.
Something was wrong.
She wiped her hands on her apron, though I knew they weren’t wet or dirty, and moved to the door, stepping out into the sunlight.
I followed her out into the frosty air, confused and concerned, and shut the door behind me.
“Annabelle?”
She turned to face me, her arms wrapped so tightly around her middle that her shoulders hunched. “Yes, Mr. Closs?”
Something wrong, indeed. “You usually call me by my given name. Did I do something wrong?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then what—”
“I’m engaged.”
My heart stopped, or at least it felt like it did, so profound was my shock.
“Or, at least I will be, when I accept.”
“I—” No other words followed. No other words could make sense of her proclamation.
“And I must accept, because my father agreed to it, and if I don’t, I will be without a husband and without a job, and then there will not be enough. Not enough work means not enough food, and—”
“Annabelle,” I interrupted her rambling. “Please. Start at the beginning.”
She swallowed hard, and I wondered if she were trying not to cry. “Mr. Lockwood—” I flinched at the same time she did. “Your brother wants a wife. He asked me, and if I say no, he will find someone else and he will not need my services anymore.”
Alexander had done WHAT? I wanted to scream the question, but I bit down on the words. I would save my anger and throw it at him later, but for right now, I had to focus on Annabelle. She was clearly distressed. “Alexander proposed marriage to you?”
She nodded.
I dragged a hand down my face. “When did this happen?”
“This morning. He came to speak to my father, then to me.”
“You do not look thrilled by the prospect.”
Up until that moment, Annabelle had kept her eyes mostly downcast, but now she fixed her eyes on mine and it nearly brought me to my knees. The depth of pleading, pain and regret in her eyes tore at my soul. “I’m grateful he thinks I am useful. But I would rather not be married for my usefulness.” There was a tremor in her voice that reminded me of just how precarious her situation was.
“But you are going to agree to it anyway?”
She nodded. “My father gave his word, and even if he hadn’t…if Alexander marries, then I won’t have a job. And I don’t have the skills that my sisters do. I try, but I can’t contribute enough. My father can’t work, and we don’t sell enough socks to keep the cottage.”
I wanted to be angry about it, but I knew her position too well to pretend that I didn’t understand her reasons. Still… “You don’t have to do this,” I said, desperate to convince her. “There are other options.” Me, I wanted to yell.
She smiled with her lips, but not her eyes. “I’d rather not, but I don’t have much choice, do I? My father may be half out of his mind, but he’s still my father. He has agreed. And I’m an obedient daughter.” The hollowness in her eyes, the way she said it as though a noose were tightening around her neck…I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself if I didn’t do something about it.
I wanted to offer up myself, but I couldn’t quite do it. If felt too much like I’d be forcing her just like her father was forcing her. There had to be another way.
I shook my head in frustration. “When I told him to hire you, I never thought he would be fool enough to—”
“When you what?”
I turned to look at her, realizing my mistake. If there was one thing I knew about Annabelle, it was that she did not accept help easily. “Nothing.”
“Not nothing. You told him to hire me?” She shut her eyes. “Of course you did. You probably begged him to hire me. Of course it was not simple good fortune. It was you and your meddling.”
“Meddling?” I asked, my mouth agape with affront. “I was trying to take care of you.” Didn’t she understand? That’s all I’d ever wanted. Since the moment I met her, I just wanted her to feel safe. I wanted the right to care for her and make her happy.
“Then why hide it?” she demanded, like the idea of me caring for her was an insult. “If there was nothing insulting about you begging your brother to take me on, then why—”
“Because you are stubborn, and maddeningly independent, and always hesitant to accept help,” I said, desperate to make her understand. “And after I saw you struggling here in the dirt,” I said, jabbing a finger at the now-frozen garden bed, “too thin, downcast, starving, and about to be evicted, I had to do something, and I wasn’t about to let your pride get in the way.”
Her face fell and her breathing came in short bursts, puffing into the cold air in little clouds. Her expression flickered with disappointment and sadness and several other emotions before she seemed to pull it all in. She swallowed and took a steadying breath. “Well. It’s a good thing you did,” she admitted. “It’s provided for me and my sisters, and after I marry Mr. Lock—Alexander—”
I flinched again. There was no way I was allowing her to marry Alexander.
“I will be safely settled, and you need not worry about me any longer.”
My brow furrowed as I studied her. She was putting on a mask of acceptance and gratitude, but it wasn’t real. Did she think that I considered worrying about her a burden? “I only wanted to help. I still want to help. If this isn’t what you want—”
She shook her head and retreated a step. “You’ve helped enough. I’ll be forever grateful.” Her face was stoic and determined. She’d made up her mind. “But I won’t pull you into my troubles any longer. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have things to attend to.”
With that, she turned and almost ran back into her cottage. I was so confused and surprised that I didn’t stop her. I didn’t call out to her. I didn’t do anything because I knew she wouldn’t listen.
So I turned away and head for Springmill. Alexander and I needed to have a talk.
***
I pounded on Alexander’s door and it was opened by a startled maid. “Good day,” I said gruffly, removing my coat and hat. “Is he in?”
“He’s with the children in the nursery.” She took my things and nodded toward the stairs.
I took the steps two at a time up to the third floor.
“You said you wouldn’t fall in love with her” were the first words I flung at him as I burst into the nursery.
Alexander looked both startled and confused.
“Uncle Nico,” Violet said as she ran over and wrapped her arms around my legs.
“Hello, dear,” I said as I picked her up in my arms, but my focus was still on Alexander. “You said you wouldn’t.”
“And I haven’t,” he said easily. “But my children care for her, and I need a wife.”
“Then find someone else.” My voice was tight.
“It’s already done, Nico,” he said in exasperation. “I’ve gone to her father just this morning and offered for her. I cannot take it back now.”
I cursed and little Violet gasped. “Sorry, angel.” I set her down and she ran back to her dolls.
When I looked back at my brother, his brow was raised and he was looking at me as though he could untangle a puzzle. Then he let out a deep sigh and dragged his hand down his face. It was a familiar gesture, one he and I were both prone to. “Nico, why didn’t you tell me?”
My nostrils flared. His ability to read me had always been a frustration. Our mother had given birth to him when she was young and newly married. After her first husband (Alex’s father) died, it had taken time before she married again, and gave birth to me and my four sisters. So not only was Alexander twelve years older than I was, but his intuition had always been spot on, especially where I was concerned. “Tell you what?” I snapped.
“That you were in love with the girl.”
I waved that aside. “My feelings for her are unimportant. I just want what’s best for her.”
“Why didn’t you offer for her? You could certainly use a wife, and you have nearly as much to offer a woman as I do.”
That was Alexander, always just a little arrogant. “You don’t understand. She’s desperate. She thinks she’s not doing enough to help her family. She’s only saying yes to relieve their burden.”
“Then I’m helping her,” he said in a maddeningly rational way.
“No, you’re taking away her choice.”
“So give her another option.” Bernard pulled himself up using Alexander’s pant leg, so Alexander bent to bring him onto his lap
“Choosing which of us she marries is hardly a choice. Is that what you would want for our sisters? Force them to marry, but at least they get to pick between two men they barely know?”
His expression was patient. “You’ve always been an idealist, Nico. I admire that about you. But I’m too practical to think that a girl would choose continued poverty just because she isn’t passionately in love with the man who offers to bring her up in the world.”
My eyes narrowed. “Bring her up in the world? Is that all this is to you?”
“My children need a mother,” he said, his hand sweeping around the room to incorporate the four little one who were strewn about the room with their toys.
I sighed. I didn’t begrudge my brother finding a new wife. I wanted his children to be cared for as well. But not like this. “She deserves more than this.”
“Of course she does. We all do. My children deserve not to be motherless. And I’m doing something about it.”
“But why does it have to be her?”
“Because you were too stubborn to tell me how you felt, and I’ve already made the offer.” His voice rose for the first time, frustration laced through it. “You have the ability to change the circumstances, Nico, to change her mind.”
“I’m not going to force her into something she doesn’t want. I won’t take that choice from her.”
“Confound it, man! Have you ever considered that by not telling her the truth, you’re already taking the choice away from her?” He stared at me like I was a dunce. “What if she wants to choose you but she doesn’t know that’s an option?”
I knew the answer to that, but putting it into words…
He huffed a sigh. “I’ll care for her, I will. I’ll respect her and provide for her, but I’m not going to love her. At least if she married you, she would know her husband wanted her, even if she doesn’t want you.”
And there it was. He’d sliced right to the heart of it. If she didn’t want me? My whole frame sank as hope drained from me. “That’s just it,” I admitted. “I don’t know if I could survive loving a wife who didn’t love me in return.”
“Well then, I can’t help you. I won’t disrespect her by withdrawing my offer. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my children need me.”
He didn’t understand. He hadn’t been there when she’d told me about her friend, when she’d proclaimed that she couldn’t imagine anything worse than being forced to marry. How could I impose that on her? Everything inside of me recoiled at the idea.
But would I really let my brother do that to her? No. No, I had the ability to offer her another choice.
The End
I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into Nicolai’s mind! If you enjoyed The Hidden Gift, I would love for you to review it!
And if you’d like to read Cecily’s story, Hooked, you can find it on Amazon.